In This Storm

Praise You in this Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

A Peace of the Process

It's strange to have more than one loss to compare. I've been thinking about that a lot over the past few weeks. This loss is different than my mom. With her, I lost someone so precious- I admired her so much. I lost a relationship I treasured, lost all the hopes of her future. Just before she got sick, I realized that as I grew older, I could understand her more and we became closer. I was just beginning to really get to know her not just as my mom, but as a friend. When I mourn for her, I mourn that relationship cut off too soon. I miss her.

This time, with my dad, it's not quite like that. I haven't had much of a relationship with him since I was a kid. So in mourning, I don't mourn what I've lost, but what could have been. I still had hope that things could change, that he could turn his life around, and somehow become the dad I always wanted and needed him to be. All the things I hoped would change never can. When I mourn for him, I don't necessarily mourn the memories, but the dreams.

So what hope is there? Well, in grief I've experienced new depths of God's love. Jesus says in Matthew 5:4,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

There is something about that comfort I can't explain. Something that only Jesus himself can offer, because he himself has mourned so fiercely. At the loss of a dear friend, we can see right into his grief. What's amazing is that this is Jesus we're talking about. He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead. When Mary and Martha send word that Lazarus is sick, he says

“This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”
John 11:4

Basically, he allowed Lazarus to die just so he could raise him from the dead and bring glory to God! So once Lazarus has died, he goes to Bethany. Not only to raise Lazarus, but to comfort Mary and Martha in their grief and offer them hope. Mary rushes to Jesus and falls at his feet and weeps. When he sees this he is deeply moved. And what does he do next?

Jesus wept. He wept! I wonder, was Jesus weeping at the death of Lazarus? Or was he weeping at the pain and grief it caused those who loved him? Or even still, was he weeping at the fact that death reigned in this world. After all, God never intended for it to be this way. I think perhaps it was all of the above.

And let's not forget that Jesus was face to face with death. In fact, he was alone as he faced it. He was no stranger to sorrow. On the eve of his death, he goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. In Matthew 26:38 Jesus says,

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

Christ is able to comfort because he knows the depths of pain, grief and sorrow. And that's what I've been able to experience. Somehow, I understand just a little bit better all the sorrow that Christ suffered for me on my behalf.

I'm still learning how to trust God. It's not easy. I can use all the help I can get, so I've been reading Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges. About the grief of a wife at the loss of her husband he writes,

"Trusting in God does not mean she does not suffer grief, that her heart does not ache. It means that in the midst of her heartache and grief she can say something to the effect of, 'Lord, I know You were in control of this dreadful event. I do not understand why You allowed it to happen but I trust You.'"

That's all I have for today.

The Writings and Ramblings of a Grieving Heart

I'm not quite sure where to begin. Again, I am thankful for your prayers: I have been carried through the past couple weeks on them. Thank you.

As many of you have heard by now, 2011 has been off to a difficult start. My grandfather was in a car accident and passed away three weeks ago. The following week I received more devastating news. My brother was contacted by the Ft. Myers sheriff's department: they called searching for the living relatives of Stephen Dempsey. My father had passed away.

I don't really know what to share. I am still processing and still kind of in disbelief that this has all happened. Part of me knew that phone call would come one day. My dad's lifestyle choices did not permit a long and healthy life. I just wasn't expecting this now, so soon. More than anything, my heart just grieves that he died alone, without anyone around him. I can't stand the thought of it.

I want to be honest. Writing helps me process things, so I figured I would just write. And keep writing. In all this, I can truthfully say that it has caused me to ask a lot of hard and painful questions about God. What's more, God has been faithful to answer, though maybe not exactly as I expected.

My heart is still breaking. I can't remember the last time it didn't hurt. It was years ago. I didn't know a heart could break into pieces this small. The medical examiners have yet to reach a conclusive answer on the cause of death. For now, his cause of death is "pending." They say he died of natural causes. What I want to know is what is so natural about a man dying alone? No one should die like that. He wasn't the best dad in the world, but he wasn't a bad man. He didn't deserve that. My first question was obviously "why?" How could God allow this to happen? I can't say that I have a complete answer, but I can tell you that it's a process.

My brother and I went to Miami last weekend for my grandfather's memorial. It was really beautiful. Everyone did a great job of honoring him. From there we drove up to Ft. Myers to pick up my dad's ashes. Walking into that funeral home was like walking back into a nightmare. Memories from a year and a half ago when we lost our mom came flooding back- they're still so recent. Why at 24 are some of my friends celebrating the birth of their second child, and I have lost my second parent? It all just seems so unfair.

For the past couple weeks I have been plagued with doubts and questions about my relationship with my dad. He had a lot of problems, and we all tried to help him. Even my mom did everything she could to get him help. But he always ended up turning back to his addictions. The last time I saw him was back in November of 2009. I brought him some things to help him out, took him out for lunch, talked with him about life, we even read the Bible together. Doubts constantly come back to me. I wonder if there was more I could have done, should have done. I sent him a package for his birthday back in August. I know those things meant a lot to him, but was there some opportunity I missed?

And where was God? I believe that he is sovereign and good. But sometimes it really does seem like he cant be both. He must either be sovereign, but not all good, or either good but not everything is in his control. Somehow, I still believe he is both. I know he is. I've been reminded of Matthew 10:29-31:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

In response to this verse, Jerry Bridges writes,

"If God so exercises His sovereignty in regard to sparrows, most certainly He will exercise it in regard to His children."

I have wondered in the past couple weeks if somehow my father, and even I have escaped God's gaze. Has he forgotten about me? And yet I know the answer is No. He has not forgotten.

David cries out in Psalm 86:17, "Give me a sign of your goodness" and that has been my cry! I long to see God's goodness, and I have. I journaled last week about how really it comes down to a decision. Am I going to choose to trust God, to praise him and follow him? Or am I going to run away, and let these trials overcome me? Joseph, after being sold into slavery by his own brothers, and after he has been betrayed again by his master's wife, then has to bury his father. His brothers begin to fear that with their father gone, Joseph will seek revenge so they make up some story that their father asked Joseph to forgive them. His response is this:

"But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
Genesis 50:19-20

And so that is what I ask for, that God would use this for good, to impact and save many lives.

From here, I was led once again to Job. Let me just explain that when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother suffered a debilitating stroke, and I saw the relationship I was in at the time come to an end back in 2008, I ended up in Job searching for comfort from the story of a man who knew far worse struggles than I. One of my favorite verses is Job 23:10:

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

And with this also Isaiah 48:10:

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."

And that is exactly what it has felt like over the past 2 1/2 years: a furnace of affliction. I don't have the whole picture to look at- right now all I see are the flames of the painful circumstances. But God promises in Isaiah 43:2 that the flames will not set me ablaze, and I believe Him:

"When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Still, I struggled with questions and the words "abandoned" and "forgotten" kept running through my head. Until one night as I was trying to fall asleep, the word "chosen" replaced them. I have no doubts this was from the Lord. So the next morning I remembered the word I was given and went to His word to find out what he meant by that. I discovered that two of my favorite men in the Bible were men that were chosen by God himself to face trials of many kinds. First there is Job,

"Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
Job 1:8

Satan was arguing that men only love and serve God because of all the many blessings God has given, that they are more interested in the gifts than the Giver. But here as the beginning of this dramatic story unfolds, we see plainly that it was God, not the enemy, who chose Job to endure the trials he faced. He was chosen by God not to be punished, but to prove our enemy wrong.

And then I was reminded of Paul:

"But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”
Acts 9:15-16

God instructs Ananias to go to Paul, who at his conversion deserved to be abandoned after all he had done to persecute Christians. God says that Paul is his chosen instrument! To what? To proclaim and suffer for his name. Will it be easy? The rest of the New Testament proves it wasn't. Paul not only endures suffering, but boasts in them:

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
II Corinthians 11:23-30

And later he writes,

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
II Corinthians 12:7-10

So again, after being reminded that God did not forget about Job or Paul, but chose them, I found myself drawn back into reading Job. This time, it was like reading it again for the first time. So much has happened since I read it last. I have learned so much, and new things have come alive.

In the very first chapter we are introduced to Job as the "greatest man among all people of the east," a man who is blameless and upright, who fears God and shuns evil. God chooses him and gives permission to Satan to test him. The accuser wastes no time and strikes Job by taking away everything he has- his livelihood. And if that's not enough, he takes away all 10 of his children as well.

A messenger comes to tell Job that all of his oxen and donkeys have been carried off and his servants killed. What caught my attention this time was that Job doesn't have time to recover. His hardships came one right after another. While this first messenger is speaking, another one comes to tell Job more bad news- this time all his sheep and more servants have been destroyed. Again, this messenger can barely finish his news. Another one comes and interrupts him to tell Job his camels are gone. The final straw is this one: another servant comes and delivers the worst news that all of his sons and daughters are dead.

My heart breaks for Job. It is at this point, the loss of those he loves, of those relationships, that Job begins to mourn, and what he does next astounds me. Verse 1:20 says

"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship"

Job mourned and then he worshipped. Wow. He doesn't curse God and walk away. His first response is to fall to the ground in worship! He has lost everything and he chooses to worship God in the face of grief. I intend on making the same choice.

Later in chapter 3, Job spends a great deal of time cursing the day he was born, wishing he never lived because it meant he would suffer. I have wondered about that too. More than that, though, I long for future glory when I will be free from pain:

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4

As I sat with my Bible open and longing for that day, I was convicted! God asked me this: Am I longing more for the day I will be free from suffering, or for the day I will be face to face with my Savior, experiencing that intimate moment when he wipes away my tears. Wow. My heart changed right then. I am longing for that Day when I will be with Jesus and everything from this life will fade in comparison to his glory. Oh, I cannot wait.

I read some more of Trusting God today by Jerry Bridges, and about suffering and the sovereignty of God he writes this:

"But that which should distinguish the suffereing of believers from unbelievers is the confidence that our suffering is under the control of an all-powerful and all-loving God; our suffering has meaning and purpose in God's eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come in to our lives only that which is for His glory and our good."

So right now, that's where I am. Hurting. Questioning. Suffering. Following. Trusting. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I anticipate the rest of my life will be the answer.