Where do I even begin? More has happened in the past 2 weeks than I know how to summarize. I'll break it down into two parts: What's been going on, and what God has been teaching me.
First, let me break down the whirlwind of the start of a campus semester. Our first week of campus included working with 3 other campus ministries in an attempt to combine resources and reach as many students as possible. This week is known as Go Week; so named after Jesus' command to us all to Go:
"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:18-20)
On Tuesday of last week we had dinner and kicked off the semester. Early Wednesday we started moving Freshmen into their dorms, met back together for lunch, had the afternoons to work on funding, rest, meet students, etc., and then had dinner together and went to the campus events to continue to meet students. Thursday and Friday were similar in schedule.
Friday night was the culmination of our efforts for Go Week. We put on an event called FSU Luau. We had a rock wall, a water slide, an obstacle course, music, and free food. This allowed students to have fun, but also check out the ministries that are available to them on campus. There was a huge turnout! I think over 300 students came out! It was a great success and we met a lot of students.
I think the highlight though for me for the first week was on Saturday. We had kickball and ice cream on Landis Green. This was our first event on our own apart from Go Week, and I felt like I was able to connect so much better with the students here. I met some awesome girls, including a girl named Melissa. We were talking and sharing and I could tell she has a heart for the Lord, so I asked her to share her testimony. Wow, it was amazing. From living in New York, to losing her sister, to moving down south, to then losing her mom, and having to live with her other sister. You wouldn't be able to tell all this from the outside: she is such a light and so joyful! It was a blessing to get to know her, and continue to know her! Kickball was also a huge success! We had at least 50 or 60 students come out to play with us!
We had a small break on Sunday, and then it was back to campus on Monday. Monday-Wednesday included tabling at 3 different locations on campus to make ourselves available to students looking to get plugged into a ministry. We collected their information in order to contact them for our Bible studies and events for the week.
Tuesday was our first Nav Nite! There were some kinks to work out, but overall I was so excited to be there and see the students!! The small auditorium was filled! We must have had at least 60-70 students!
Wednesday was our Bible study! I'm leading a freshmen study in a dorm called Kellum with a student leader named Hannah. I am SO excited to be working with her! She is so sweet and so intentional with women. So far it has been a joy to work with her as an insider as a student on campus. We met together beforehand to talk over things and prayed for the night- we were wondering if anyone was even going to come. The Lord provided! Six girls came out, and we had such an awesome first night! We shared a little bit about ourselves, played a get to know you game called "Can of Worms" where we each write a question down and put it in the can, and then we draw a different question to answer. We also shared our spiritual stories, and all the girls were open about where they're at! It was so encouraging. Then we talked about the Bible study, took a look at how it's set up, discussed our expectations, I prayed for them and then we hung out for a little while. As I left campus, I prayed to the Lord. I'm already attached! I love these girls so much! My heart is already for them, I just pray they return this week!
Thursday night Lauren and I headed to campus to bring cookies and paint nails on one of the floors in Kellum. We met up with another one of the student leaders to meet the girls on her hall- 8 of them hung out with us! Friday was our freshmen event: Spicy Friday, which included tacos and spicy uno! We had a pretty big group of freshmen come out for dinner and to play games- a great hit! Saturday we had a girl's pool party and over 30 girls came! What a blast to relax and just get to know some of the new students!
So far it's been crazy. I can't believe how fast time is going and how busy we are!! I'm so exhausted! So what has God been teaching me through all of this craziness? Too much to even record!
I am continually reminded that I must abide in Him. There is no way I can do any of this on my own apart from him. I felt drawn to read some of Paul's words:
"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." (2 Corinthians 6:3-10)
There have been many nights when I get to bed late and have to wake up early the next morning, when I have to miss meals because I'm just so busy, but none of that compares to Paul's ministry. He wrote so many of his letters from prison as chains clinked around him. I love what he says at the end here. Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. There may be many things in this life that cause sorrow, but we have true joy that is only offered through the hope of the gospel. Poor, yet making many rich. I live on a measly budget, and as I walk through a store I think of all the things I've had to give up in order to do this. I live in a house full of people with no space to call my own. Do I regret the sacrifices? Not at all. Why? Because in doing this, I pray that the Lord uses me to make many rich, eternally so. I plead that I get to be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to offer the wealth of eternal life to these students! Not that it's mine to offer, but I want to share my story with them of how I became abundantly wealthy. It may appear to the untrained eye that I have nothing, and definitely nothing to offer others, but in truth, I possess everything! I have all that I need, and all that I do not deserve!
Last week in my extended time, I listened to God of This City by Chris Tomlin:
"You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here"
That left me so encouraged! I know there is a lot of work to be done, but we are joining what God is already doing! Greater things are yet to come! I already have such a heart for Tallahassee. I love this city. There is still much to write, but not enough time! I hope this post helps give you an idea of what life is like here. Pray for me. Pray for our ministry. Pray for this city. I'll write again very soon!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Of Mice and (Wo)men
I hope you're in the mood for an amusing tale.
Almost our entire staff team is living together in one house. Our regional directors, our five person EDGE team, and a volunteer are sharing the same address! So far it's been a blast! We're renting the former FSU staff's house while they are over seas, but there has been a lot of work to do to get things in order. We have a lot of unpacking to do, cleaning, and home improvements. We also have a pest problem. Jim discovered a few fuzzy friends under the kitchen sink last week, and I wasn't too worried about it- I figured once he put some traps down, that would be it. Well, I was wrong.
Lauren, my EDGE teammate and roommate arrived on Tuesday! I was excited to finally have her here! After a long day of funding, unpacking, dinner with the Go Week crew (the staff and student leaders of 4 campus ministries), and a staff meeting, once we returned home, we were all bone tired and needed to get some rest because we were starting freshmen move in early the next morning. We finally got to bed around midnight and set our alarms for 7 a.m. Only, it wasn't at 7 a.m. that we woke up, and it definitely wasn't by our alarms.
It was a little after 4 a.m. that I was awakened from sleep. I'm a light sleeper and so I woke up as I heard a strange noise in the room. I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I laid there in bed for a few moments to figure out if it was just in my head. But it wasn't! I heard the noise again! I should probably tell you that Jim had just built us a bunk bed, and I'm on the top- so I wasn't interested in getting out of bed if I didn't have to. But this noise confused me! I used my phone as a light from atop my bed, but couldn't really see anything. I peeked below and saw Lauren was still asleep, so I knew I was going to have to get out of bed and use a flashlight to find out what it was. In my head, I knew exactly what I was going to find. The sound seemed like it was the rustling of a plastic bag, and I knew that it was the birdseed bag I had in the room. There is only one thing that could be making that noise: a mouse.
I climbed down the bed and stumbled around the room in a blind stupor trying to find my flashlight, in doing so I woke up Lauren. "Are you looking for something?" she asked groggily. "Um, sort of." I said. "I heard a noise and I think there might be something in our room." She sat up quickly at that point, "Like a critter??"
I looked around and in the bag, but found nothing. So I climbed back up to the bed with the light in hand and waited. If I knew anything at all about mice, it was that he would be back. It didn't take long at all, about a minute before I heard the familiar rustling of the birdseed bag. "Did you hear that??" I whispered to Lauren. "Yes!" She said in a panic! I shined the light at the bag, and wouldn't you guess a furry brown field mouse climbed right out and scampered down the bookcase! I fumbled down to the ground once again and Lauren jumped out of bed! At this point, you can imagine we're screaming like little girls trying to find where the mouse disappeared to! We turn on the light, I hand her the flashlight and grab a trashcan to trap him. We looked all over the room, and I figured that he must have slipped under the door.
So the two of us tip toe out into the hallway, on a mouse hunt. The thing about mice is that they are fast and unpredictable, but they usually stick close to the walls. That meant that he was probably in the next room by the time we started searching for him. We slowly opened the door of the room next to us and I saw him! He stared up at me with his black and beady little eyes, frozen with fear. I screamed, "There he is!" and Lauren started dancing in place in hysterics! We must have been a terribly humorous sight to behold! The mouse darted under the dresser and I told Lauren to go to the other side and shine the light under and make noise to scare him out and I was going to trap him. She takes the flashlight and starts banging it against the dresser! We were making such a ruckus! The mouse finally came out, but neither of us saw it until it was too late! Under the door it went! Our teammate Candice was awake at this point and she came out to find out what was going on. We explained the mouse and had a third girl jumping out of her skin! We checked her room, but found nothing.
We decided to sit on the staircase and wait to see if he ran past us. We thought he was still upstairs, but he wasn't! It wasn't long before this bold little mouse started climbing the stairs below us! He was about 2 stairs away from us when he realized we were waiting for him, turned around and scampered off again! After another bout of girlish screams, we decided to wait in the room across from the stairs for him. It wasn't long before he was back! He poked his head up the final stair and looked right at us! This little guy just didn't quit! We moved too quickly and he was gone once again.
We waited for another 10 minutes, but decided to return to bed. We must have laid awake until 6 a.m. waiting for that little pest to come back. At one point, Lauren jumped out of bed screaming again! She had imagined (or dreamed?) that the mouse was climbing on her! Haha! What a way to start off the year! I would have never imagined our first night together as roommates would involve hunting down a pesky little brown mouse. We never did find him. He probably still shares the house with us.
Last night after another long night on campus, the four of us returned home and I saw something under the chair in the living room. I screamed for Ben, and Lauren and Candice started freaking out! He grabbed a flashlight and we're all yelling that there is something under that chair. He examined it closely and found that it was a doll's shoe! The laces looked just like a tail! Oh man, our adventures don't end on campus. This is going to be a great year :)
Almost our entire staff team is living together in one house. Our regional directors, our five person EDGE team, and a volunteer are sharing the same address! So far it's been a blast! We're renting the former FSU staff's house while they are over seas, but there has been a lot of work to do to get things in order. We have a lot of unpacking to do, cleaning, and home improvements. We also have a pest problem. Jim discovered a few fuzzy friends under the kitchen sink last week, and I wasn't too worried about it- I figured once he put some traps down, that would be it. Well, I was wrong.
Lauren, my EDGE teammate and roommate arrived on Tuesday! I was excited to finally have her here! After a long day of funding, unpacking, dinner with the Go Week crew (the staff and student leaders of 4 campus ministries), and a staff meeting, once we returned home, we were all bone tired and needed to get some rest because we were starting freshmen move in early the next morning. We finally got to bed around midnight and set our alarms for 7 a.m. Only, it wasn't at 7 a.m. that we woke up, and it definitely wasn't by our alarms.
It was a little after 4 a.m. that I was awakened from sleep. I'm a light sleeper and so I woke up as I heard a strange noise in the room. I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I laid there in bed for a few moments to figure out if it was just in my head. But it wasn't! I heard the noise again! I should probably tell you that Jim had just built us a bunk bed, and I'm on the top- so I wasn't interested in getting out of bed if I didn't have to. But this noise confused me! I used my phone as a light from atop my bed, but couldn't really see anything. I peeked below and saw Lauren was still asleep, so I knew I was going to have to get out of bed and use a flashlight to find out what it was. In my head, I knew exactly what I was going to find. The sound seemed like it was the rustling of a plastic bag, and I knew that it was the birdseed bag I had in the room. There is only one thing that could be making that noise: a mouse.
I climbed down the bed and stumbled around the room in a blind stupor trying to find my flashlight, in doing so I woke up Lauren. "Are you looking for something?" she asked groggily. "Um, sort of." I said. "I heard a noise and I think there might be something in our room." She sat up quickly at that point, "Like a critter??"
I looked around and in the bag, but found nothing. So I climbed back up to the bed with the light in hand and waited. If I knew anything at all about mice, it was that he would be back. It didn't take long at all, about a minute before I heard the familiar rustling of the birdseed bag. "Did you hear that??" I whispered to Lauren. "Yes!" She said in a panic! I shined the light at the bag, and wouldn't you guess a furry brown field mouse climbed right out and scampered down the bookcase! I fumbled down to the ground once again and Lauren jumped out of bed! At this point, you can imagine we're screaming like little girls trying to find where the mouse disappeared to! We turn on the light, I hand her the flashlight and grab a trashcan to trap him. We looked all over the room, and I figured that he must have slipped under the door.
So the two of us tip toe out into the hallway, on a mouse hunt. The thing about mice is that they are fast and unpredictable, but they usually stick close to the walls. That meant that he was probably in the next room by the time we started searching for him. We slowly opened the door of the room next to us and I saw him! He stared up at me with his black and beady little eyes, frozen with fear. I screamed, "There he is!" and Lauren started dancing in place in hysterics! We must have been a terribly humorous sight to behold! The mouse darted under the dresser and I told Lauren to go to the other side and shine the light under and make noise to scare him out and I was going to trap him. She takes the flashlight and starts banging it against the dresser! We were making such a ruckus! The mouse finally came out, but neither of us saw it until it was too late! Under the door it went! Our teammate Candice was awake at this point and she came out to find out what was going on. We explained the mouse and had a third girl jumping out of her skin! We checked her room, but found nothing.
We decided to sit on the staircase and wait to see if he ran past us. We thought he was still upstairs, but he wasn't! It wasn't long before this bold little mouse started climbing the stairs below us! He was about 2 stairs away from us when he realized we were waiting for him, turned around and scampered off again! After another bout of girlish screams, we decided to wait in the room across from the stairs for him. It wasn't long before he was back! He poked his head up the final stair and looked right at us! This little guy just didn't quit! We moved too quickly and he was gone once again.
We waited for another 10 minutes, but decided to return to bed. We must have laid awake until 6 a.m. waiting for that little pest to come back. At one point, Lauren jumped out of bed screaming again! She had imagined (or dreamed?) that the mouse was climbing on her! Haha! What a way to start off the year! I would have never imagined our first night together as roommates would involve hunting down a pesky little brown mouse. We never did find him. He probably still shares the house with us.
Last night after another long night on campus, the four of us returned home and I saw something under the chair in the living room. I screamed for Ben, and Lauren and Candice started freaking out! He grabbed a flashlight and we're all yelling that there is something under that chair. He examined it closely and found that it was a doll's shoe! The laces looked just like a tail! Oh man, our adventures don't end on campus. This is going to be a great year :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
College Wasteland or Spring of Life?
Today marks our campus launch!! We call this Go Week, because it's time to go! I can't believe it's finally here. God has been doing some pretty awesome things since I've been here in Tallahassee. We had our staff retreat last week where we talked about our team vision, the spiritual climate of the campus, planned for the fall, and talked more about our job descriptions. I will be starting up a freshmen Bible study in the next couple weeks! I get to work with one of the student leaders; she's the insider in the dorms on campus, and I am so excited about getting this off the ground!
We are helping students move into the dorms this week- the freshmen arrive tomorrow! Pray that we can make as many connections as possible and that we can start building relationships right away. Pray that these students would be searching for ways to get connected and that they would find our ministry open to them. There are a lot of campus activities going on this week, so it might be easy for them to get distracted by everything, but I believe that God is already doing a big work here at FSU and that he is bringing us many students this year! We just have to go out and meet them now!
I've been thinking about Isaiah 43:18-19 over the past couple days. It says:
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
We are helping students move into the dorms this week- the freshmen arrive tomorrow! Pray that we can make as many connections as possible and that we can start building relationships right away. Pray that these students would be searching for ways to get connected and that they would find our ministry open to them. There are a lot of campus activities going on this week, so it might be easy for them to get distracted by everything, but I believe that God is already doing a big work here at FSU and that he is bringing us many students this year! We just have to go out and meet them now!
I've been thinking about Isaiah 43:18-19 over the past couple days. It says:
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
I think of the freshmen as they are preparing to move to FSU. A lot of them are broken, come from broken families, have hurts and struggles, have made mistakes and live with regrets. But as they move to campus, there are new opportunities! God calls us to forget about the former things and not to dwell on the past. It's done and over. God has forgiven us if we accept it; it's time we forgive ourselves and those who have wronged us. It's not worth it to dwell on the past. Why? Because God is at work doing a new thing!! He makes all things new. It springs up before us. There is new life being offered. This is a new season with so many new experiences for students.
We talked as a staff team about how the soil at FSU is hard. Students aren't always open to the gospel, or decide to busy themselves and ignore it. But God promises here that He is making a way in the desert! That's my prayer. That God would make a way right through the center of campus, that students would find themselves on this path and begin to ask questions and seek the Lord.
He is making streams in the wasteland. To me, that just speaks directly of college campuses. They can be such a wasteland. Students can easily waste time, money, energy, life, everything while in college. I hope that instead of wasting life, these students would experience fullness of life, that they would find grace and redemption as they step foot on FSU.
This reminds me of Jesus as he speaks to the Samaritan woman:
Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."
"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."(John: 10-14)
If they only knew the gift of God! So many students have never understood the gospel, and we get to share it with them. Praise God. I pray that they would ask Him for this living water, just as this woman did. A spring of water welling up to eternal life, now that's worth investing in! I don't want to see the campus as a wasteland, but as a spring of water that wells up to eternal life! Pray this with me! God is most certainly at work!
This reminds me of a side note of funding. I am still fund raising, but need to be on campus full time for the first two weeks, so it's going to be a challenge to find time for everything. But God brought me up to 40% yesterday!! I have a neat story I want to share.
I wanted to meet with my old boss and his wife to share my story and invite them to partner with me in this ministry, but it just never worked out because of timing. She was sweet enough to encourage me and was honest that they were already maxed out in monthly commitments, but she promised me that any extra money they came across they would like to give me, so that's what I prayed for! Here's an email I got from her last night:
"Victoria,
You must have been praying for that found money. Because I have a story for you....
We have been trying to get our last three calves to auction, and we were finally able to do that last Tuesday. We had already committed to donate a percent of that sale to Debbie and Jim's moving expense. Brad and I decided that whatever amount of that percent was over $100, we would give to you....
But in our hearts, we wanted to give you $100 too.
So, we started with $40.00 left over for you.
Today, I was doing some spring cleaning in summer, and "found" two mugs with change in them. I took them to the coin counter at publix, and got $37.00, which brought our total for you to $77.00.
I came home and opened the mail, only to find a check from our car insurance giving us a refund because Zach turns 20 this week. The check was for $23.00.
So Victoria, there is your found money. Where do I send the $100?
God is so good. Cows, Coins and Car!!! I love it when He does stuff like that!"
Praise God!! My favorite part of fund raising is experiencing God doing crazy amazing things. Things that I could not even imagine. That's the update for now. There's so much more I could write, but I have a lot of work to do before we head to campus!! Please keep praying!
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)
Monday, August 9, 2010
"God himself will provide"
I am sitting in the living room of my new home in Tallahassee as I write this! After several days of goodbyes, farewell parties, last minute errands, and tying up loose ends I was finally ready to leave Tampa behind and say hello to this new adventure!
I packed the majority of my things in my little red Saturn on Saturday night, hoping it would be a little bit cooler, but alas, I forgot that the humidity never ceases in a Florida August. I was just glad to be done with it. My car was packed to the roof and windows! It's never been that full before! I was ready to go, but there was still a couple things to figure out before I left. For those of you have been praying and wondering about what's going to happen to Tina, let me share this story.
For the past 3 weeks I have been talking to everyone I know who lives in Tallahassee or graduated from FSU and knows people in town, trying to find a home for Tina. There were a few possibilities, but either landlords said no or parents didn't want to take in a dog that their kids would grow attached to and then have to give her back again. It seemed like nothing was going to work out. I had a couple options in Tampa, but my hope was still to have her near me.
As the days went by and it grew closer and closer to my departure date, I started to wonder, "Lord, are you going to provide?" But I never panicked, I honestly believed that something would work out, though I didn't know how. Once Saturday arrived, I started to weigh my options- it looked like I was just going to have to leave her in Tampa, I still hadn't heard anything other wise. Sunday came and I was making last minute calls yesterday afternoon to follow up with anyone who was helping me find her a home. Still nothing. I ended up explaining to a friend of mine how to take care of her for a few weeks while I continued the search- it started to hit me then that I was really leaving without her. My plans were to leave last night by 5, however when you're moving, leaving on time doesn't usually happen. I had a few things left to do around the house, and it was 5:30 when I moved the last items to me car, stripped my bed, and was finally writing down directions to get to my new home.
As I finished these things, I was about to shut down my computer, say goodbye to Tina, and head out. At 5:45 I received a phone call from a girl I've never met. She is the roommate of a girl involved with the FSU Navs and she had heard that I was looking for a home for my dog. She has been wanting to adopt a dog, and even put in the deposit for her apartment to have a pet! She asked questions about Tina, and seemed very excited about the prospect of taking care of her for a year or two. She wanted to take her dog with her as much as possible, take her for walks, bring her on trips- it sounded too good to be true! It seemed a perfect fit! So I told her that I would be happy to share this dog with her for the next 2 years!
Talk about last minute, down to the wire provision! If that phone call came 10-15 minutes later I would have already been on the road! I packed all of Tina's things in the car and we headed to Tallahassee- together! Praise God!!
Saturday night I was talking to a friend and she was asking me how I was feeling about this whole thing and still not knowing where Tina was going to go the following day. I told her that I was concerned, but I genuinely trusted that God would provide. I was again reminded of Abraham. God called him to sacrifice his son and Abraham obeyed- he set out the next day to do exactly as God had asked him. Only, at the very last minute, once God was able to see he was obedient, the Lord himself provided the sacrifice. That's how I felt things were going to go! How could God possibly call me to sacrifice this dog, and not provide a home for her? It just didn't make sense to me. I knew God had something planned. It came down to the very last minutes before the Lord provided what I'd been trusting him for, but he did it!! That's the best way for your faith to increase, it really is! To be left at the end with no other options and nothing I could do on my own, and then God does what no one can predict, and provides perfectly.
One thing that strikes me from Genesis 22 is the verse after which this post is titled: "God himself will provide." There is none other that can provide, but God himself. I cannot provide for myself, whether its funding or finding a home for Tina. Sometimes we think we are doing it ourselves, but really it's the Lord at work on our behalf. He deserves all the glory, I deserve none. What an important reminder. Again I am humbled, and I like it that way.
I can't tell you what a relief it was to leave with her! And how my faith has increased! This experience has stretched me to trust God and believe him to provide, and when it came down to the end of the line, I watched in amazement as he showed me just how faithful he really is! Translate this into funding, and I believe now more than ever that even though I still have a ways to go, it may come down to the last minute, but I totally believe that God is going to give me what I need. I just need to be patient, trust him, and faithfully follow where he calls even if it requires sacrifice.
So here I am in Tallahassee, utterly amazed at my God. The adventure begins, and I am so excited to see what's in store. There's a lot to be done in the house- the family we're renting it from has left behind many of their things, plus we have 8 people moving in with all of their stuff- so there's a lot to figure out. None of our rooms are quite ready yet- we have a lot of work ahead of us. We've also got some exploring to do- most of us have never spent any time in this town! Only one of my teammates is here so far, but it's so fun to finally start the year! Please keep praying for us! There's a lot to do!
I packed the majority of my things in my little red Saturn on Saturday night, hoping it would be a little bit cooler, but alas, I forgot that the humidity never ceases in a Florida August. I was just glad to be done with it. My car was packed to the roof and windows! It's never been that full before! I was ready to go, but there was still a couple things to figure out before I left. For those of you have been praying and wondering about what's going to happen to Tina, let me share this story.
For the past 3 weeks I have been talking to everyone I know who lives in Tallahassee or graduated from FSU and knows people in town, trying to find a home for Tina. There were a few possibilities, but either landlords said no or parents didn't want to take in a dog that their kids would grow attached to and then have to give her back again. It seemed like nothing was going to work out. I had a couple options in Tampa, but my hope was still to have her near me.
As the days went by and it grew closer and closer to my departure date, I started to wonder, "Lord, are you going to provide?" But I never panicked, I honestly believed that something would work out, though I didn't know how. Once Saturday arrived, I started to weigh my options- it looked like I was just going to have to leave her in Tampa, I still hadn't heard anything other wise. Sunday came and I was making last minute calls yesterday afternoon to follow up with anyone who was helping me find her a home. Still nothing. I ended up explaining to a friend of mine how to take care of her for a few weeks while I continued the search- it started to hit me then that I was really leaving without her. My plans were to leave last night by 5, however when you're moving, leaving on time doesn't usually happen. I had a few things left to do around the house, and it was 5:30 when I moved the last items to me car, stripped my bed, and was finally writing down directions to get to my new home.
As I finished these things, I was about to shut down my computer, say goodbye to Tina, and head out. At 5:45 I received a phone call from a girl I've never met. She is the roommate of a girl involved with the FSU Navs and she had heard that I was looking for a home for my dog. She has been wanting to adopt a dog, and even put in the deposit for her apartment to have a pet! She asked questions about Tina, and seemed very excited about the prospect of taking care of her for a year or two. She wanted to take her dog with her as much as possible, take her for walks, bring her on trips- it sounded too good to be true! It seemed a perfect fit! So I told her that I would be happy to share this dog with her for the next 2 years!
Talk about last minute, down to the wire provision! If that phone call came 10-15 minutes later I would have already been on the road! I packed all of Tina's things in the car and we headed to Tallahassee- together! Praise God!!
Saturday night I was talking to a friend and she was asking me how I was feeling about this whole thing and still not knowing where Tina was going to go the following day. I told her that I was concerned, but I genuinely trusted that God would provide. I was again reminded of Abraham. God called him to sacrifice his son and Abraham obeyed- he set out the next day to do exactly as God had asked him. Only, at the very last minute, once God was able to see he was obedient, the Lord himself provided the sacrifice. That's how I felt things were going to go! How could God possibly call me to sacrifice this dog, and not provide a home for her? It just didn't make sense to me. I knew God had something planned. It came down to the very last minutes before the Lord provided what I'd been trusting him for, but he did it!! That's the best way for your faith to increase, it really is! To be left at the end with no other options and nothing I could do on my own, and then God does what no one can predict, and provides perfectly.
One thing that strikes me from Genesis 22 is the verse after which this post is titled: "God himself will provide." There is none other that can provide, but God himself. I cannot provide for myself, whether its funding or finding a home for Tina. Sometimes we think we are doing it ourselves, but really it's the Lord at work on our behalf. He deserves all the glory, I deserve none. What an important reminder. Again I am humbled, and I like it that way.
I can't tell you what a relief it was to leave with her! And how my faith has increased! This experience has stretched me to trust God and believe him to provide, and when it came down to the end of the line, I watched in amazement as he showed me just how faithful he really is! Translate this into funding, and I believe now more than ever that even though I still have a ways to go, it may come down to the last minute, but I totally believe that God is going to give me what I need. I just need to be patient, trust him, and faithfully follow where he calls even if it requires sacrifice.
So here I am in Tallahassee, utterly amazed at my God. The adventure begins, and I am so excited to see what's in store. There's a lot to be done in the house- the family we're renting it from has left behind many of their things, plus we have 8 people moving in with all of their stuff- so there's a lot to figure out. None of our rooms are quite ready yet- we have a lot of work ahead of us. We've also got some exploring to do- most of us have never spent any time in this town! Only one of my teammates is here so far, but it's so fun to finally start the year! Please keep praying for us! There's a lot to do!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Humbled, wretched, and unbelieving.
Time for another post. This time I thought I'd share what's been going on in my heart.
I move to Tallahassee on Sunday, and the hope was to be at 75% by then. Let's just say I'm still hoping. Don't get me wrong, God is definitely at work; I have seen Him do some awesome things so far this summer and I have a lot of great stories to share, but there's still a ways to go until I reach the end. What I've been realizing more and more is that I'm not done funding yet because God's not done working in me.
I almost feel like someone should jump out and yell "surprise!!" because I once thought that funding was just about getting to campus to minister to students. Wrong. Funding is such a dynamic experience. Yes, our goal is campus- to reach 100% in order to reach students. But the funding process is also a neat ministry training experience as well- I love that part of my job! I get to meet with people, hear their hearts, encourage them and pray for them! What a blessing. On top of that, lately I've been learning how humbling of an experience it is. God has been doing a lot of refining, revealing many areas in which I still need to grow, and bringing into the light some sinful habits and thought patterns.
Recently, over the past 10 days or so, God has been using funding to show me the reality of where my trust level is. In my head, I went into this summer thinking that I've been through it all: a divorced and broken home, an alcoholic father, mom's illness, surgery and recovery, grandma's stroke, a breakup, an unpaid internship, making impossible life choices, losing my mom to cancer, being completely on my own for the first time, and my first year of teaching. Yep. I know what it's like to trust God, I thought. Sure, this funding will be challenging but I'm not going to waver in my trust in the Lord. Wrong again.
I am humbled to admit it has been a daily struggle to trust God. Why is that? I think a big part of it is that I often equate the gifts and results I see from my continued efforts with how faithful God is at providing. Let me share an example. Typically, after I spend time with the Lord in the morning I feel encouraged to forge ahead in the funding journey. I start doing work for the day, anticipating the mailman's arrival with gifts from friends, I walk out and open the mailbox expectantly, and as it often happens, I pull out plenty of bills and junk mail, but no gifts. Pffffft. That's the sound of my confidence and encouragement deflating as I walk dejectedly back into the house.
Every day is a roller coaster. My emotions go up, and then they come down. My confidence is high and then it's low. I am encouraged and then any little thing discourages me completely. But in my heart I know it needn't be this way! It all depends on my trust in the Lord! I'm learning more and more with every passing day that I am feeling so up and down because I'm putting my hope in seeing results, not in the Lord to provide. He is faithful! He does not change! James 1:17 says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
One thing that God has been slowly breaking and chipping away in me is an attitude of independence. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago, something snapped inside me. All of a sudden I was responsible for more than the average college student. My last semester of classes I missed so much class because I was at home with my mom taking care of her and my grandma for weeks on end- there was a time when I was worried about graduating college. It seemed impossible. But that was my responsibility, and so was my mom, and my grandmother, and the house, and so were a million other things. The final semester was my internship and that brought even more responsibilities: 100 students, passing my subject area exams, receiving the approval of my university supervisor, graduating. All this while going home every chance I got to spend time with my mom, take her to chemo and radiation appointments, help her with her medications. Once I finally did graduate, by the grace of God, I became her full-time nurse as she slowly slipped away. After she passed away, I had even more things to worry about: the memorial service, the house, finding homes for her dogs, legal paper work, taking care of financial responsibilities, and looking for two jobs. It's been non-stop for nearly 2 years. Because of all this, I've noticed that I've developed an independent, "do it myself," over-responsible and overcompensating attitude and lifestyle. It's become so difficult for me to ask for help because I don't want to be a burden on others. The funding process has revealed that this also includes my relationship with God. Sometimes I catch myself doing as much as humanly possible, and then trying to do God's job as well. It's been so hard to hand over the control because I've spent so long doing it all myself. This, I am learning, has been a rebellious attitude.
Realizing how inadequate my trust is, how weak I am, how easily distracted and discouraged I can be, how much I'm lacking in prayer has definitely left me humbled. And praise God for that. He doesn't need me walking into this ministry thinking I've got it all together, that I am going to impact students all on my own apart from him. No, he is showing me my proper place, my actual state, in order that I will see my need to depend on him for all things. This humbling lesson has left me feeling as Paul did as he wrote to the Romans. I remember reading Romans 7 for the first time and having a hard time following Paul's train of thought as he shares his struggle with sin. I have since come to better understand what he was talking about, and completely agree with him:
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
I move to Tallahassee on Sunday, and the hope was to be at 75% by then. Let's just say I'm still hoping. Don't get me wrong, God is definitely at work; I have seen Him do some awesome things so far this summer and I have a lot of great stories to share, but there's still a ways to go until I reach the end. What I've been realizing more and more is that I'm not done funding yet because God's not done working in me.
I almost feel like someone should jump out and yell "surprise!!" because I once thought that funding was just about getting to campus to minister to students. Wrong. Funding is such a dynamic experience. Yes, our goal is campus- to reach 100% in order to reach students. But the funding process is also a neat ministry training experience as well- I love that part of my job! I get to meet with people, hear their hearts, encourage them and pray for them! What a blessing. On top of that, lately I've been learning how humbling of an experience it is. God has been doing a lot of refining, revealing many areas in which I still need to grow, and bringing into the light some sinful habits and thought patterns.
Recently, over the past 10 days or so, God has been using funding to show me the reality of where my trust level is. In my head, I went into this summer thinking that I've been through it all: a divorced and broken home, an alcoholic father, mom's illness, surgery and recovery, grandma's stroke, a breakup, an unpaid internship, making impossible life choices, losing my mom to cancer, being completely on my own for the first time, and my first year of teaching. Yep. I know what it's like to trust God, I thought. Sure, this funding will be challenging but I'm not going to waver in my trust in the Lord. Wrong again.
I am humbled to admit it has been a daily struggle to trust God. Why is that? I think a big part of it is that I often equate the gifts and results I see from my continued efforts with how faithful God is at providing. Let me share an example. Typically, after I spend time with the Lord in the morning I feel encouraged to forge ahead in the funding journey. I start doing work for the day, anticipating the mailman's arrival with gifts from friends, I walk out and open the mailbox expectantly, and as it often happens, I pull out plenty of bills and junk mail, but no gifts. Pffffft. That's the sound of my confidence and encouragement deflating as I walk dejectedly back into the house.
Every day is a roller coaster. My emotions go up, and then they come down. My confidence is high and then it's low. I am encouraged and then any little thing discourages me completely. But in my heart I know it needn't be this way! It all depends on my trust in the Lord! I'm learning more and more with every passing day that I am feeling so up and down because I'm putting my hope in seeing results, not in the Lord to provide. He is faithful! He does not change! James 1:17 says,
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
One thing that God has been slowly breaking and chipping away in me is an attitude of independence. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago, something snapped inside me. All of a sudden I was responsible for more than the average college student. My last semester of classes I missed so much class because I was at home with my mom taking care of her and my grandma for weeks on end- there was a time when I was worried about graduating college. It seemed impossible. But that was my responsibility, and so was my mom, and my grandmother, and the house, and so were a million other things. The final semester was my internship and that brought even more responsibilities: 100 students, passing my subject area exams, receiving the approval of my university supervisor, graduating. All this while going home every chance I got to spend time with my mom, take her to chemo and radiation appointments, help her with her medications. Once I finally did graduate, by the grace of God, I became her full-time nurse as she slowly slipped away. After she passed away, I had even more things to worry about: the memorial service, the house, finding homes for her dogs, legal paper work, taking care of financial responsibilities, and looking for two jobs. It's been non-stop for nearly 2 years. Because of all this, I've noticed that I've developed an independent, "do it myself," over-responsible and overcompensating attitude and lifestyle. It's become so difficult for me to ask for help because I don't want to be a burden on others. The funding process has revealed that this also includes my relationship with God. Sometimes I catch myself doing as much as humanly possible, and then trying to do God's job as well. It's been so hard to hand over the control because I've spent so long doing it all myself. This, I am learning, has been a rebellious attitude.
Realizing how inadequate my trust is, how weak I am, how easily distracted and discouraged I can be, how much I'm lacking in prayer has definitely left me humbled. And praise God for that. He doesn't need me walking into this ministry thinking I've got it all together, that I am going to impact students all on my own apart from him. No, he is showing me my proper place, my actual state, in order that I will see my need to depend on him for all things. This humbling lesson has left me feeling as Paul did as he wrote to the Romans. I remember reading Romans 7 for the first time and having a hard time following Paul's train of thought as he shares his struggle with sin. I have since come to better understand what he was talking about, and completely agree with him:
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Romans 7:14-25)
That's how I've been left feeling this week: "What a wretched man I am!" I am a mess. This is the point where I am tempted to fall into despair and the trap of believing lies about myself. How can God possibly use me? I have nothing to offer. I can't do this. Who will rescue me? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! It is not about me at all. It is always about him. Amen.
I am also reminded of what Jesus said to his disciples in John 15:4-5:
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 'I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.'"
I can't have an independent attitude going into ministry. Apart from the Lord I can accomplish absolutely nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. I have not been remaining in the Lord as I ought to, and praise him that the funding process is also a refining process as well. Much better that I realize these things on this side of campus rather than getting there and trying to do it all on my own and being wholly discouraged by not seeing any fruit. I can't make things grow, I can't change hearts, just like I cannot provide for myself in this journey, nor should I try.
One last passage God laid on my heart was Mark 9:17-24:
"A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."
"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
I am just like that boy's father. "If God can provide, why am I not closer to 100%?" Wow. Where is my faith? Obviously I am not finished fund raising because God still has a lot to show me. I do believe that God can and will provide, so why am I so discouraged when he doesn't move as I expect him to? That only means that I am going to experience God moving in unexpected ways, and it is in these unexpected ways that our faith is tested, grows stronger, and we are stretched to the limits. Just as we are imperfect, so is our faith. Though I genuinely believe God will provide, my imperfect faith displays my shortcoming- part of me still isn't convinced. And I cannot overcome this on my own! I can't force myself to believe; God must work this out in my heart. Everything is possible for him who believes. That includes God providing what I need in order to get to FSU. I have seen him do far greater things in my own life, this is no different. In case you were wondering about the boy from this passage, Jesus drives the spirit out and heals him. His disciples ask him why they weren't able to do it, and he replies, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
Which leaves me with one other thing I've been convicted about. Prayer. I do not pray enough. Prayer assumes the sovereignty of God- it is an act of trust. Plain and simple, if I expect my faith to increase, then I need to be actively praying. So every time I walk away from the mailbox empty handed my prayer has become, "Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I could go on and on, but it's time to stop writing and time to start praying. The mail should be here any minute...
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