Good Friday

What makes this Friday so good? That's been the question on my mind all day. Life is still stressful. The world is still fallen. I am still broken. What's so good about today?

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of many sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not." (Isaiah 53:3)

Christ suffered on this day many years ago.

"The Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and teachers of the law." (Mark 10:33)

Despised. Rejected. Betrayed. Relational suffering.

"They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles..." (Mark 10:33)

Condemned to death, a social outcast, rejected. Social suffering.

"...who will mock him and spit on him..." (Mark 10:34)

Mocked. Ridiculed. Avoided. Mental suffering.

"...flog him and kill him." (Mark 10:34)

Sorrow. Torture. Death. Physical suffering.

Jesus endured it all. He was a man of many sorrows. So why is this considered good?

Mark 10:34 ends with this:

"Three days later he will rise."

He rose again! "Death has been swallowed up in victory. 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?'" (1 Corinthians 15: 54-55)

And Isaiah 53:4-6 says this:

"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

Today is Good Friday because Christ took my place. I should have been the one suffering, but he carried my sorrows for me. Stricken. Smitten. Afflicted. Pierced. Crushed. Punished. Wounded. That should have been reserved for me, but Christ stepped in between me and what I deserved. Today we celebrate! Though he was crucified, he defeated death and rose again! The only way we can celebrate Easter Sunday is because of Good Friday.

Jesus, I praise you.

We praise Thee, O Lord Jesus, Thou didst come

We praise Thee, O Lord Jesus, Thou didst come,
The way into God's presence to reveal.
We worship Thee that Thou didst leave Thy throne,
To come as our High Priest with sin to deal.
Lord Jesus, Thou hast offered Thine own blood,
And settled once for all our peace with God.

Thy blood has now been sprinkled on the throne
In full redemption for Thy people's sin.
The sweetness of the love that Thou hast shown
Has ris'n to fill the holiest place within.
And by the blood once offered in that place
God flows to us in mercy and in grace.

Yet, Lord, Thou camest not just to atone,
But Thou didst come and bear our sins away.
We, with a conscience purged, approach the throne,
For all our sins were laid on Thee that day.
Thou, separated from the Father's face,
Didst pay the awful price for us in grace.

The way into God's presence thus is cleared,
For ransomed sinners who have heard Thy call.
Thou, Lord, hast taken all that we had feared
When Thou didst shed Thy blood and give Thine all;
Our heart in grateful praise to Thee we bind,
And now our life in Thee alone we find.

The Point of It All

I woke up this morning to spend a half day with God, not knowing exactly where that would take me. I just finished reading Job (so good!), and had been feeling a tug in the direction of Ecclesiastes. So that's where I began.

What is it about this book that draws me in? Honestly, it's the author's attitude and raw view of the world. Though I can rejoice in the midst of adversity, I still struggle with wondering what the point of it all is. I long to understand God's purpose, even though I know his ways are above mine. Meaningless! It's all meaningless! That's the summary phrase for the book of Ecclesiastes, and that's what drew me in.

"What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun... I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind."
Ecclesiastes 1:9, 14

Nothing new? Vanity? Well then, really, what is the point? I think Ecclesiastes has a way of offering a good perspective. I was reminded of this perspective as I began to read this morning. It brought me back to when God started transforming my perspective on life, when I was faced with death for the first time. I can remember when mom was diagnosed, that's when it started to happen, this change in view. Somehow it slowly grew, especially after she slipped away and I was left full of a million questions about life, death, and God's purpose in it all. I started to realize how meaningless so much of what I had been striving after really was. A chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes is saturated with this word "vanity" (or "meaningless," depending on the translation). So what does it mean? It is defined as a "lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness; trivial or pointless." It is translated from the Hebrew word "hebel" which means "vapor, breath." It is used 36 times in 30 verses in Ecclesiastes. James 4:14 immediately came to mind:

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

How much of our lives would fall under this category of vanity if we truly stopped to analyze it? Well, when you are faced with the fragility and fleeting reality of life, you begin to analyze. In Hebrews, the author is writing about a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and writes in 12:26-29:

"At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' This phrase, 'Yet once more,' indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."

The fire removes impurities. God intends for the impurities in our lives to be removed, and he uses adversity to do this. So then what remains? God, His word, and the souls of men- those are the three things eternal. What became precious in my life were the moments that I wanted to capture in a glass bottle to relive over and over. Reading John with mom, her hugs, brushing her hair... And later that summer, riding bikes with Ben over the Washington hills, driving down Tennessee roads in the open jeep, jumping off cliffs and climbing mountains with Jackie... Those memories are precious because of the people, and because of how I experienced the goodness of God in the simple pleasures of life.

I just started reading Don't Waste the Pain by David and Linda Lyons. It's a beautiful book on loss. In it, David writes from his journal as his twelve year old son battles cancer,

"pain is the tool God uses to carve out the crucible of our hearts so they have a greater capacity for joy."

I put off reading this book for months, knowing very well that it would stir up emotions. But I know how important it is to go to those places of pain in order to heal and be made available for God to use. This reminded me so much of what Jerry Sittser writes about in A Grace Disguised (so far my favorite book on loss). I read this book a year ago in the months following my first loss. I remember turning each page to find the groanings of my heart already expressed. Of course, each experience is unique and I have plenty of thoughts to add, but this concept he wrote about, this expansion of the soul, was something I desperately wanted and had been trying to express for months. Jerry writes,

"...tragedy can increase the soul's capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection. The soul contains a capacity to know and love God, to become virtuous, to learn truth, and to live by moral conviction. The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we can experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love. What we consider opposites- east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life- are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time."

Wow. I didn't wake up this morning planning to revisit all of these thoughts. I know I needed this reminder, though. I still don't have a full picture of what God is doing. David Lyons writes,

"Truly great people often have a preface of pain. God often places His choice ones in the fire and on the anvil, hammering them into what they will need to be in the need of the hour."

So far, I have rejoiced in the journey, especially seeing how God has allowed me to minister to those who have experienced or are currently experiencing the pain of loss and grief. Coming onto a college campus, I wasn't sure that I would be able to minister directly out of my own experience of loss. How many college students have faced this? Well, more than I expected. I am co-leading our freshmen Bible study with a junior who has lost her father to cancer. And just last week I met with a freshmen whose brother died only last semester. We sat together sharing our stories, and I was able to pass on what the Lord has taught me about the road of suffering. I was able to encourage her that it does get easier, that God will use this, and that there is no right way to grieve. We prayed together, and oh how my soul expanded in those moments when I saw just a glimpse of God's goodness in His great plan. Though He has allowed much adversity and grief, I am SO thankful for how God has already begun to use it in my life, and how he is using it to minister to the lives of others at Florida State.

"Give me a sign of your goodness"

Endurance and Patience with Joy

This semester we are studying Colossians in our Bible study. It has been a great prescription for a challenging season. Paul writes in Colossians 1:11,

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy."

and it has stuck with me all semester. Endurance? Check. I can do that, even when it's not easy. Patience? Well, ok, I can be patient. Sometimes. The original meaning of patience in the Greek text is "long suffering; steadfastness." Paul's prayer for the Colossians, and God's desire for us, is that we would be patient in suffering, not wishing it away. I'm learning to be patient, knowing full well that when I see the glory of the Lord it will be worth it. But what about this joy? Patience...with joy? This has been a conviction all semester!

What does it look like to be patient with joy? How often do we complain when things are difficult or when circumstances don't go exactly according to plan? That brings no pleasure to God. I'm reminded of the example Christ has set for us. Hebrews 12: 1-2 says,

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Christ endured so much adversity in his life, and it culminated as he approached the cross. But he looked beyond the cross and was able to see how God was going to use it to accomplish his great work in bringing many sons to glory.

"For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering." Hebrews 2:10

It was through this suffering that Christ was made perfect to carry out God's redemptive plan! What a reminder. What an encouragement. Looking to Christ, the author and perfecter of my faith, I can be confident that God is using adversity in our lives to bring about his glory.

Romans 8:28-29 has been a constant encouragement as well:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

We can rest assured that God is at work bringing all things together in accordance with his pleasure and will. And he never allows anything to occur that is outside of his will. So why all this adversity? Why would a good and loving God allow so much heartache? Couldn't he have prevented the deaths of my parents? Surely this was not beyond his sovereignty. Christ was made perfect through suffering, so who am I that I should expect to avoid it? God intends that I be conformed to the likeness of his Son; I can't very well circumvent the means by which I am conformed to be more like Christ, can I?

On this topic Jerry Bridges writes,

"The good that God works for in our lives is conformity to the likeness of His Son. It is not necessarily comfort or happiness but conformity to Christ in ever-increasing measure in this life and in its fullness in eternity.
We see this same thought in Hebrews 12:10, 'Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.' To share in God's holiness is an equivalent expression to being conformed to the likeness of Christ. God knows exactly what he intends we become and He knows exactly what circumstances, both good and bad, are necessary to produce that result in our lives.
The purpose of God's discipline is not to punish us but to transform us. He has already meted out punishment for our sins on Jesus at Calvary: 'The punishment that brought us peace was upon him' (Isaiah 53:5). But we must be transformed more and more into the likeness of Christ. That is the purpose of discipline."
~Trusting God

I've got to run, but there's still so much more God has been doing! I'll write again soon.

In This Storm

Praise You in this Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

A Peace of the Process

It's strange to have more than one loss to compare. I've been thinking about that a lot over the past few weeks. This loss is different than my mom. With her, I lost someone so precious- I admired her so much. I lost a relationship I treasured, lost all the hopes of her future. Just before she got sick, I realized that as I grew older, I could understand her more and we became closer. I was just beginning to really get to know her not just as my mom, but as a friend. When I mourn for her, I mourn that relationship cut off too soon. I miss her.

This time, with my dad, it's not quite like that. I haven't had much of a relationship with him since I was a kid. So in mourning, I don't mourn what I've lost, but what could have been. I still had hope that things could change, that he could turn his life around, and somehow become the dad I always wanted and needed him to be. All the things I hoped would change never can. When I mourn for him, I don't necessarily mourn the memories, but the dreams.

So what hope is there? Well, in grief I've experienced new depths of God's love. Jesus says in Matthew 5:4,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

There is something about that comfort I can't explain. Something that only Jesus himself can offer, because he himself has mourned so fiercely. At the loss of a dear friend, we can see right into his grief. What's amazing is that this is Jesus we're talking about. He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead. When Mary and Martha send word that Lazarus is sick, he says

“This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”
John 11:4

Basically, he allowed Lazarus to die just so he could raise him from the dead and bring glory to God! So once Lazarus has died, he goes to Bethany. Not only to raise Lazarus, but to comfort Mary and Martha in their grief and offer them hope. Mary rushes to Jesus and falls at his feet and weeps. When he sees this he is deeply moved. And what does he do next?

Jesus wept. He wept! I wonder, was Jesus weeping at the death of Lazarus? Or was he weeping at the pain and grief it caused those who loved him? Or even still, was he weeping at the fact that death reigned in this world. After all, God never intended for it to be this way. I think perhaps it was all of the above.

And let's not forget that Jesus was face to face with death. In fact, he was alone as he faced it. He was no stranger to sorrow. On the eve of his death, he goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. In Matthew 26:38 Jesus says,

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

Christ is able to comfort because he knows the depths of pain, grief and sorrow. And that's what I've been able to experience. Somehow, I understand just a little bit better all the sorrow that Christ suffered for me on my behalf.

I'm still learning how to trust God. It's not easy. I can use all the help I can get, so I've been reading Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges. About the grief of a wife at the loss of her husband he writes,

"Trusting in God does not mean she does not suffer grief, that her heart does not ache. It means that in the midst of her heartache and grief she can say something to the effect of, 'Lord, I know You were in control of this dreadful event. I do not understand why You allowed it to happen but I trust You.'"

That's all I have for today.

The Writings and Ramblings of a Grieving Heart

I'm not quite sure where to begin. Again, I am thankful for your prayers: I have been carried through the past couple weeks on them. Thank you.

As many of you have heard by now, 2011 has been off to a difficult start. My grandfather was in a car accident and passed away three weeks ago. The following week I received more devastating news. My brother was contacted by the Ft. Myers sheriff's department: they called searching for the living relatives of Stephen Dempsey. My father had passed away.

I don't really know what to share. I am still processing and still kind of in disbelief that this has all happened. Part of me knew that phone call would come one day. My dad's lifestyle choices did not permit a long and healthy life. I just wasn't expecting this now, so soon. More than anything, my heart just grieves that he died alone, without anyone around him. I can't stand the thought of it.

I want to be honest. Writing helps me process things, so I figured I would just write. And keep writing. In all this, I can truthfully say that it has caused me to ask a lot of hard and painful questions about God. What's more, God has been faithful to answer, though maybe not exactly as I expected.

My heart is still breaking. I can't remember the last time it didn't hurt. It was years ago. I didn't know a heart could break into pieces this small. The medical examiners have yet to reach a conclusive answer on the cause of death. For now, his cause of death is "pending." They say he died of natural causes. What I want to know is what is so natural about a man dying alone? No one should die like that. He wasn't the best dad in the world, but he wasn't a bad man. He didn't deserve that. My first question was obviously "why?" How could God allow this to happen? I can't say that I have a complete answer, but I can tell you that it's a process.

My brother and I went to Miami last weekend for my grandfather's memorial. It was really beautiful. Everyone did a great job of honoring him. From there we drove up to Ft. Myers to pick up my dad's ashes. Walking into that funeral home was like walking back into a nightmare. Memories from a year and a half ago when we lost our mom came flooding back- they're still so recent. Why at 24 are some of my friends celebrating the birth of their second child, and I have lost my second parent? It all just seems so unfair.

For the past couple weeks I have been plagued with doubts and questions about my relationship with my dad. He had a lot of problems, and we all tried to help him. Even my mom did everything she could to get him help. But he always ended up turning back to his addictions. The last time I saw him was back in November of 2009. I brought him some things to help him out, took him out for lunch, talked with him about life, we even read the Bible together. Doubts constantly come back to me. I wonder if there was more I could have done, should have done. I sent him a package for his birthday back in August. I know those things meant a lot to him, but was there some opportunity I missed?

And where was God? I believe that he is sovereign and good. But sometimes it really does seem like he cant be both. He must either be sovereign, but not all good, or either good but not everything is in his control. Somehow, I still believe he is both. I know he is. I've been reminded of Matthew 10:29-31:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

In response to this verse, Jerry Bridges writes,

"If God so exercises His sovereignty in regard to sparrows, most certainly He will exercise it in regard to His children."

I have wondered in the past couple weeks if somehow my father, and even I have escaped God's gaze. Has he forgotten about me? And yet I know the answer is No. He has not forgotten.

David cries out in Psalm 86:17, "Give me a sign of your goodness" and that has been my cry! I long to see God's goodness, and I have. I journaled last week about how really it comes down to a decision. Am I going to choose to trust God, to praise him and follow him? Or am I going to run away, and let these trials overcome me? Joseph, after being sold into slavery by his own brothers, and after he has been betrayed again by his master's wife, then has to bury his father. His brothers begin to fear that with their father gone, Joseph will seek revenge so they make up some story that their father asked Joseph to forgive them. His response is this:

"But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
Genesis 50:19-20

And so that is what I ask for, that God would use this for good, to impact and save many lives.

From here, I was led once again to Job. Let me just explain that when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother suffered a debilitating stroke, and I saw the relationship I was in at the time come to an end back in 2008, I ended up in Job searching for comfort from the story of a man who knew far worse struggles than I. One of my favorite verses is Job 23:10:

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

And with this also Isaiah 48:10:

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."

And that is exactly what it has felt like over the past 2 1/2 years: a furnace of affliction. I don't have the whole picture to look at- right now all I see are the flames of the painful circumstances. But God promises in Isaiah 43:2 that the flames will not set me ablaze, and I believe Him:

"When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Still, I struggled with questions and the words "abandoned" and "forgotten" kept running through my head. Until one night as I was trying to fall asleep, the word "chosen" replaced them. I have no doubts this was from the Lord. So the next morning I remembered the word I was given and went to His word to find out what he meant by that. I discovered that two of my favorite men in the Bible were men that were chosen by God himself to face trials of many kinds. First there is Job,

"Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
Job 1:8

Satan was arguing that men only love and serve God because of all the many blessings God has given, that they are more interested in the gifts than the Giver. But here as the beginning of this dramatic story unfolds, we see plainly that it was God, not the enemy, who chose Job to endure the trials he faced. He was chosen by God not to be punished, but to prove our enemy wrong.

And then I was reminded of Paul:

"But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”
Acts 9:15-16

God instructs Ananias to go to Paul, who at his conversion deserved to be abandoned after all he had done to persecute Christians. God says that Paul is his chosen instrument! To what? To proclaim and suffer for his name. Will it be easy? The rest of the New Testament proves it wasn't. Paul not only endures suffering, but boasts in them:

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
II Corinthians 11:23-30

And later he writes,

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
II Corinthians 12:7-10

So again, after being reminded that God did not forget about Job or Paul, but chose them, I found myself drawn back into reading Job. This time, it was like reading it again for the first time. So much has happened since I read it last. I have learned so much, and new things have come alive.

In the very first chapter we are introduced to Job as the "greatest man among all people of the east," a man who is blameless and upright, who fears God and shuns evil. God chooses him and gives permission to Satan to test him. The accuser wastes no time and strikes Job by taking away everything he has- his livelihood. And if that's not enough, he takes away all 10 of his children as well.

A messenger comes to tell Job that all of his oxen and donkeys have been carried off and his servants killed. What caught my attention this time was that Job doesn't have time to recover. His hardships came one right after another. While this first messenger is speaking, another one comes to tell Job more bad news- this time all his sheep and more servants have been destroyed. Again, this messenger can barely finish his news. Another one comes and interrupts him to tell Job his camels are gone. The final straw is this one: another servant comes and delivers the worst news that all of his sons and daughters are dead.

My heart breaks for Job. It is at this point, the loss of those he loves, of those relationships, that Job begins to mourn, and what he does next astounds me. Verse 1:20 says

"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship"

Job mourned and then he worshipped. Wow. He doesn't curse God and walk away. His first response is to fall to the ground in worship! He has lost everything and he chooses to worship God in the face of grief. I intend on making the same choice.

Later in chapter 3, Job spends a great deal of time cursing the day he was born, wishing he never lived because it meant he would suffer. I have wondered about that too. More than that, though, I long for future glory when I will be free from pain:

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4

As I sat with my Bible open and longing for that day, I was convicted! God asked me this: Am I longing more for the day I will be free from suffering, or for the day I will be face to face with my Savior, experiencing that intimate moment when he wipes away my tears. Wow. My heart changed right then. I am longing for that Day when I will be with Jesus and everything from this life will fade in comparison to his glory. Oh, I cannot wait.

I read some more of Trusting God today by Jerry Bridges, and about suffering and the sovereignty of God he writes this:

"But that which should distinguish the suffereing of believers from unbelievers is the confidence that our suffering is under the control of an all-powerful and all-loving God; our suffering has meaning and purpose in God's eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come in to our lives only that which is for His glory and our good."

So right now, that's where I am. Hurting. Questioning. Suffering. Following. Trusting. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I anticipate the rest of my life will be the answer.

An Update and Other News

So, for those of you who have been praying, thank you. I thought I would update you all. My grandfather was in the hospital for a week before he passed away on Friday night. It was hard to receive the news, even though I knew it was coming. I guess there's always just a small, even very small, spark of hope within me. Part of me is glad he is no longer suffering, but then the other part of me is just sad. Losing a human life is something I don't think I could ever get used to. It's such a weird place to be, grieving. I am so thankful I got to spend some time with him last month. If I could encourage any of you, spend time with your family and people you love, mend relationships, forgive.

I'm reading a passage of Scripture and writing something for his memorial service. Pray as we prepare things and get everything in order. His service is in Miami next weekend.

One thing that I've been realizing is how easy it is to focus on your circumstances. That's a problem. When your focus is on life's troubles, you feel like you're thrown around and beaten down during trials. At least that's what it can feel like to me. But what happens when our focus is on the one thing that doesn't change? You're not tossed around as much. So that's what I've been seeking to do- keep my focus on Christ, who doesn't change. He is my one constant.

In other news, the spring semester is in full swing. We started our Bible study, and I can honestly say I am SO excited about it. We are reading Colossians, and already I love getting deep into the Word, and getting the girls in my Bible study excited about it too. I've been meeting one-on-one with some of the freshmen girls, as well as some of the upper-classmen, and I walk away every time thinking, "Wow, this is a blessed job." Thank you for your support and your prayers!

On that note, I'm still fund raising. I have a deadline coming up at the end of the month, and I still have $2,472 to raise. Sometimes it seems near impossible to get to 100%. But I know that God can and does provide! Would you pray for my funding? And would you prayerfully consider helping me reach this goal by giving a special one time gift of $100-$1000, or partnering with me monthly $25-$100? In reaching my budget, I will be able to stay on campus and continue to minister to young women at Florida State! Thank you so much friends!