The Point of It All

I woke up this morning to spend a half day with God, not knowing exactly where that would take me. I just finished reading Job (so good!), and had been feeling a tug in the direction of Ecclesiastes. So that's where I began.

What is it about this book that draws me in? Honestly, it's the author's attitude and raw view of the world. Though I can rejoice in the midst of adversity, I still struggle with wondering what the point of it all is. I long to understand God's purpose, even though I know his ways are above mine. Meaningless! It's all meaningless! That's the summary phrase for the book of Ecclesiastes, and that's what drew me in.

"What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun... I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind."
Ecclesiastes 1:9, 14

Nothing new? Vanity? Well then, really, what is the point? I think Ecclesiastes has a way of offering a good perspective. I was reminded of this perspective as I began to read this morning. It brought me back to when God started transforming my perspective on life, when I was faced with death for the first time. I can remember when mom was diagnosed, that's when it started to happen, this change in view. Somehow it slowly grew, especially after she slipped away and I was left full of a million questions about life, death, and God's purpose in it all. I started to realize how meaningless so much of what I had been striving after really was. A chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes is saturated with this word "vanity" (or "meaningless," depending on the translation). So what does it mean? It is defined as a "lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness; trivial or pointless." It is translated from the Hebrew word "hebel" which means "vapor, breath." It is used 36 times in 30 verses in Ecclesiastes. James 4:14 immediately came to mind:

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

How much of our lives would fall under this category of vanity if we truly stopped to analyze it? Well, when you are faced with the fragility and fleeting reality of life, you begin to analyze. In Hebrews, the author is writing about a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and writes in 12:26-29:

"At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, 'Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.' This phrase, 'Yet once more,' indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."

The fire removes impurities. God intends for the impurities in our lives to be removed, and he uses adversity to do this. So then what remains? God, His word, and the souls of men- those are the three things eternal. What became precious in my life were the moments that I wanted to capture in a glass bottle to relive over and over. Reading John with mom, her hugs, brushing her hair... And later that summer, riding bikes with Ben over the Washington hills, driving down Tennessee roads in the open jeep, jumping off cliffs and climbing mountains with Jackie... Those memories are precious because of the people, and because of how I experienced the goodness of God in the simple pleasures of life.

I just started reading Don't Waste the Pain by David and Linda Lyons. It's a beautiful book on loss. In it, David writes from his journal as his twelve year old son battles cancer,

"pain is the tool God uses to carve out the crucible of our hearts so they have a greater capacity for joy."

I put off reading this book for months, knowing very well that it would stir up emotions. But I know how important it is to go to those places of pain in order to heal and be made available for God to use. This reminded me so much of what Jerry Sittser writes about in A Grace Disguised (so far my favorite book on loss). I read this book a year ago in the months following my first loss. I remember turning each page to find the groanings of my heart already expressed. Of course, each experience is unique and I have plenty of thoughts to add, but this concept he wrote about, this expansion of the soul, was something I desperately wanted and had been trying to express for months. Jerry writes,

"...tragedy can increase the soul's capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection. The soul contains a capacity to know and love God, to become virtuous, to learn truth, and to live by moral conviction. The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we can experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love. What we consider opposites- east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life- are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time."

Wow. I didn't wake up this morning planning to revisit all of these thoughts. I know I needed this reminder, though. I still don't have a full picture of what God is doing. David Lyons writes,

"Truly great people often have a preface of pain. God often places His choice ones in the fire and on the anvil, hammering them into what they will need to be in the need of the hour."

So far, I have rejoiced in the journey, especially seeing how God has allowed me to minister to those who have experienced or are currently experiencing the pain of loss and grief. Coming onto a college campus, I wasn't sure that I would be able to minister directly out of my own experience of loss. How many college students have faced this? Well, more than I expected. I am co-leading our freshmen Bible study with a junior who has lost her father to cancer. And just last week I met with a freshmen whose brother died only last semester. We sat together sharing our stories, and I was able to pass on what the Lord has taught me about the road of suffering. I was able to encourage her that it does get easier, that God will use this, and that there is no right way to grieve. We prayed together, and oh how my soul expanded in those moments when I saw just a glimpse of God's goodness in His great plan. Though He has allowed much adversity and grief, I am SO thankful for how God has already begun to use it in my life, and how he is using it to minister to the lives of others at Florida State.

"Give me a sign of your goodness"