A Peace of the Process

It's strange to have more than one loss to compare. I've been thinking about that a lot over the past few weeks. This loss is different than my mom. With her, I lost someone so precious- I admired her so much. I lost a relationship I treasured, lost all the hopes of her future. Just before she got sick, I realized that as I grew older, I could understand her more and we became closer. I was just beginning to really get to know her not just as my mom, but as a friend. When I mourn for her, I mourn that relationship cut off too soon. I miss her.

This time, with my dad, it's not quite like that. I haven't had much of a relationship with him since I was a kid. So in mourning, I don't mourn what I've lost, but what could have been. I still had hope that things could change, that he could turn his life around, and somehow become the dad I always wanted and needed him to be. All the things I hoped would change never can. When I mourn for him, I don't necessarily mourn the memories, but the dreams.

So what hope is there? Well, in grief I've experienced new depths of God's love. Jesus says in Matthew 5:4,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

There is something about that comfort I can't explain. Something that only Jesus himself can offer, because he himself has mourned so fiercely. At the loss of a dear friend, we can see right into his grief. What's amazing is that this is Jesus we're talking about. He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead. When Mary and Martha send word that Lazarus is sick, he says

“This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”
John 11:4

Basically, he allowed Lazarus to die just so he could raise him from the dead and bring glory to God! So once Lazarus has died, he goes to Bethany. Not only to raise Lazarus, but to comfort Mary and Martha in their grief and offer them hope. Mary rushes to Jesus and falls at his feet and weeps. When he sees this he is deeply moved. And what does he do next?

Jesus wept. He wept! I wonder, was Jesus weeping at the death of Lazarus? Or was he weeping at the pain and grief it caused those who loved him? Or even still, was he weeping at the fact that death reigned in this world. After all, God never intended for it to be this way. I think perhaps it was all of the above.

And let's not forget that Jesus was face to face with death. In fact, he was alone as he faced it. He was no stranger to sorrow. On the eve of his death, he goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. In Matthew 26:38 Jesus says,

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

Christ is able to comfort because he knows the depths of pain, grief and sorrow. And that's what I've been able to experience. Somehow, I understand just a little bit better all the sorrow that Christ suffered for me on my behalf.

I'm still learning how to trust God. It's not easy. I can use all the help I can get, so I've been reading Trusting God, by Jerry Bridges. About the grief of a wife at the loss of her husband he writes,

"Trusting in God does not mean she does not suffer grief, that her heart does not ache. It means that in the midst of her heartache and grief she can say something to the effect of, 'Lord, I know You were in control of this dreadful event. I do not understand why You allowed it to happen but I trust You.'"

That's all I have for today.