Humbled, wretched, and unbelieving.

Time for another post. This time I thought I'd share what's been going on in my heart.

I move to Tallahassee on Sunday, and the hope was to be at 75% by then. Let's just say I'm still hoping. Don't get me wrong, God is definitely at work; I have seen Him do some awesome things so far this summer and I have a lot of great stories to share, but there's still a ways to go until I reach the end. What I've been realizing more and more is that I'm not done funding yet because God's not done working in me.

I almost feel like someone should jump out and yell "surprise!!" because I once thought that funding was just about getting to campus to minister to students. Wrong. Funding is such a dynamic experience. Yes, our goal is campus- to reach 100% in order to reach students. But the funding process is also a neat ministry training experience as well- I love that part of my job! I get to meet with people, hear their hearts, encourage them and pray for them! What a blessing. On top of that, lately I've been learning how humbling of an experience it is. God has been doing a lot of refining, revealing many areas in which I still need to grow, and bringing into the light some sinful habits and thought patterns.

Recently, over the past 10 days or so, God has been using funding to show me the reality of where my trust level is. In my head, I went into this summer thinking that I've been through it all: a divorced and broken home, an alcoholic father, mom's illness, surgery and recovery, grandma's stroke, a breakup, an unpaid internship, making impossible life choices, losing my mom to cancer, being completely on my own for the first time, and my first year of teaching. Yep. I know what it's like to trust God, I thought. Sure, this funding will be challenging but I'm not going to waver in my trust in the Lord. Wrong again.

I am humbled to admit it has been a daily struggle to trust God. Why is that? I think a big part of it is that I often equate the gifts and results I see from my continued efforts with how faithful God is at providing. Let me share an example. Typically, after I spend time with the Lord in the morning I feel encouraged to forge ahead in the funding journey. I start doing work for the day, anticipating the mailman's arrival with gifts from friends, I walk out and open the mailbox expectantly, and as it often happens, I pull out plenty of bills and junk mail, but no gifts. Pffffft. That's the sound of my confidence and encouragement deflating as I walk dejectedly back into the house.

Every day is a roller coaster. My emotions go up, and then they come down. My confidence is high and then it's low. I am encouraged and then any little thing discourages me completely. But in my heart I know it needn't be this way! It all depends on my trust in the Lord! I'm learning more and more with every passing day that I am feeling so up and down because I'm putting my hope in seeing results, not in the Lord to provide. He is faithful! He does not change! James 1:17 says,

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

One thing that God has been slowly breaking and chipping away in me is an attitude of independence. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago, something snapped inside me. All of a sudden I was responsible for more than the average college student. My last semester of classes I missed so much class because I was at home with my mom taking care of her and my grandma for weeks on end- there was a time when I was worried about graduating college. It seemed impossible. But that was my responsibility, and so was my mom, and my grandmother, and the house, and so were a million other things. The final semester was my internship and that brought even more responsibilities: 100 students, passing my subject area exams, receiving the approval of my university supervisor, graduating. All this while going home every chance I got to spend time with my mom, take her to chemo and radiation appointments, help her with her medications. Once I finally did graduate, by the grace of God, I became her full-time nurse as she slowly slipped away. After she passed away, I had even more things to worry about: the memorial service, the house, finding homes for her dogs, legal paper work, taking care of financial responsibilities, and looking for two jobs. It's been non-stop for nearly 2 years. Because of all this, I've noticed that I've developed an independent, "do it myself," over-responsible and overcompensating attitude and lifestyle. It's become so difficult for me to ask for help because I don't want to be a burden on others. The funding process has revealed that this also includes my relationship with God. Sometimes I catch myself doing as much as humanly possible, and then trying to do God's job as well. It's been so hard to hand over the control because I've spent so long doing it all myself. This, I am learning, has been a rebellious attitude.

Realizing how inadequate my trust is, how weak I am, how easily distracted and discouraged I can be, how much I'm lacking in prayer has definitely left me humbled. And praise God for that. He doesn't need me walking into this ministry thinking I've got it all together, that I am going to impact students all on my own apart from him. No, he is showing me my proper place, my actual state, in order that I will see my need to depend on him for all things. This humbling lesson has left me feeling as Paul did as he wrote to the Romans. I remember reading Romans 7 for the first time and having a hard time following Paul's train of thought as he shares his struggle with sin. I have since come to better understand what he was talking about, and completely agree with him:

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Romans 7:14-25)

That's how I've been left feeling this week: "What a wretched man I am!" I am a mess. This is the point where I am tempted to fall into despair and the trap of believing lies about myself. How can God possibly use me? I have nothing to offer. I can't do this. Who will rescue me? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! It is not about me at all. It is always about him. Amen.

I am also reminded of what Jesus said to his disciples in John 15:4-5:

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 'I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.'"

I can't have an independent attitude going into ministry. Apart from the Lord I can accomplish absolutely nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. I have not been remaining in the Lord as I ought to, and praise him that the funding process is also a refining process as well. Much better that I realize these things on this side of campus rather than getting there and trying to do it all on my own and being wholly discouraged by not seeing any fruit. I can't make things grow, I can't change hearts, just like I cannot provide for myself in this journey, nor should I try.

One last passage God laid on my heart was Mark 9:17-24:

"A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I am just like that boy's father. "If God can provide, why am I not closer to 100%?" Wow. Where is my faith? Obviously I am not finished fund raising because God still has a lot to show me. I do believe that God can and will provide, so why am I so discouraged when he doesn't move as I expect him to? That only means that I am going to experience God moving in unexpected ways, and it is in these unexpected ways that our faith is tested, grows stronger, and we are stretched to the limits. Just as we are imperfect, so is our faith. Though I genuinely believe God will provide, my imperfect faith displays my shortcoming- part of me still isn't convinced. And I cannot overcome this on my own! I can't force myself to believe; God must work this out in my heart. Everything is possible for him who believes. That includes God providing what I need in order to get to FSU. I have seen him do far greater things in my own life, this is no different. In case you were wondering about the boy from this passage, Jesus drives the spirit out and heals him. His disciples ask him why they weren't able to do it, and he replies, "This kind can come out only by prayer."

Which leaves me with one other thing I've been convicted about. Prayer. I do not pray enough. Prayer assumes the sovereignty of God- it is an act of trust. Plain and simple, if I expect my faith to increase, then I need to be actively praying. So every time I walk away from the mailbox empty handed my prayer has become, "Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I could go on and on, but it's time to stop writing and time to start praying. The mail should be here any minute...